So...I have been avoiding writing any more entries because I have been struggling more than I would care to admit to. This whole journey to a healthier me is not turning out to be as easy as I thought it would be! In fact, it's hard. Damn hard. For every step I take forward I feel like I take two steps back. Right now, if I am to be honest, I would have to say that I feel like giving up - again.
I saw my family physician on Thursday and after following up on some issues, the topic of my weight came up. I knew that it would, so this was no surprise. My doctor has a particular diet that he feels would be best for me to follow and I disagree with him. I have done some research and feel that what he is suggesting would not work well for me. When I said that, he said that he felt like I was looking for excuses not to follow this diet. That comment stung and I immediately felt defensive. I really did not know how to respond. I left there feeling like a giant failure, like someone incapable of change. When I got home, I cried for several hours before I could calm down enough to call a friend to talk.
Now, why did my doctor's comment trigger that kind of reaction in me? Something that I have learned about myself over the past several years is that if something bothers me, there is something in that situation to take a look at. And, as much as I hate to admit this, if I am to be rigorously honest with myself, I have been looking for excuses. Not necessarily for excuses to not do the diet my doctor is recommending, but for excuses to not do anything at all since I do not know what to do. I am afraid of having another failure so I'm making excuses to "wait until tomorrow" to commit to a healthier lifestyle. I can't exercise because my knees hurt and I get short of breath. I can't compete with his or her workout. I can't drink 64 ounces of water a day because the seal on my water bottle is broken. I can't fix interesting, healthy meals because I'm not a very good cook. Blah, blah, blah.
I know that no one can do these things for me. I'm not real sure where my motivation is going to come from because I'm having a real hard time imagining anything different from the way things are now. I have a decision to make. Have I had enough? Have I had enough of having to lay down on the bed to zip my pants? Of becoming out of breath taking the trash to the dumpster? Of not being able to go to the park or the zoo with my family because I can't walk around without pain? Am I now willing to DO something differently?
At the end of my appointment, my doctor made the comment that ultimately it is my choice as to which type of diet or eating plan I choose to follow and that the important thing is that I make a choice and stick with it because my weight is adversely affecting my health. No more excuses. I can't afford them anymore. I have a paperweight on my desk that says "You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do. Do it now." Good advice, don't you think?