Sunday, July 16, 2017

I'm Scared

I am scared. I am struggling. I am feeling defeated. This past weekend, I went to a convention in Fort Wayne but I never left my hotel room. When I arrived and went to register, I discovered that I couldn't walk the distance to the registration table. I was totally winded, huffing and puffing and struggling to catch my breath. My legs were throbbing. I couldn't do it. My friends went on ahead and registered for me but it was immediately clear that I would not be able to walk the distances needed to be able to attend the convention sessions. The convention center had wheelchairs, but they were regular width wheelchairs and at 426 pounds, that would not work for me. I became painfully aware of just how deconditioned I have become. It had never occurred to me that I would have difficulty attending the conference. I was so upset over this that I ended up making myself sick and so not only was I restricted to my hotel room, I was physically ill all weekend on top of that.

Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think and to feel over the past two days. I was embarrassed that I was so out of shape. I was ashamed of how I have become. I was saddened and lonely. I felt trapped in my body. I even thought about dying. At one point in my life, I swore that if I ever reached 400 pounds, I'd kill myself. Then I reached 400 pounds. Those thoughts came back to me this weekend. I found myself thinking about the quality of my life. Right now, I'd have to say that my quality of life is poor. I do have friends and family who love me dearly, and yet I feel so very alone. I don't want my life to continue on this way. And yet, I don't want to die. But I'm afraid that that is what is happening to me. I get out of breath putting on my shoes and socks. If I take a bag of trash to the dumpster, it feels like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest. Then I start to panic, which only makes matters worse. I really thought that I was going to collapse at the convention center this weekend trying to walk to the registration table. That was a frightening feeling. That is how I feel all of the time now. I can't do this any more.

I wish that I could say that this experience this past weekend has left me motivated to take action. I pray that it will, after my emotions settle down some. Right now, I am extremely sad. I feel like giving up. It is so hard for me to see the big picture of what my life would look like if I lost the weight. Even seeing small improvements is hard for me right now. I'm scared that I don't have it in me to do the work that it will take to get the weight off. I'm afraid of the physical pain and discomfort, the blood, sweat, and tears that are going to be an inevitable part of the journey. I'm choking back tears as I'm sitting here writing this because I feel so lost. I'm hurting so deeply inside. I'm not so sure that I know what to do at this point. This is not how my life is supposed to be.

I am utterly and totally defeated now. I guess that that means there is nowhere to go but up. I have scheduled appointments at the medically supervised weight loss clinic and also with a trainer at the gym to see about designing an exercise program that would help to get me moving. I'm not looking forward to either of those appointments at this moment. I am hoping that in the next couple of days I will find some strength and courage to proceed down this path to a healthier me. I know that it's going to be hard and I don't like that. But, it is what it is and I will prevail. Tonight, I'm going to curl up with my kitties and cry myself to sleep, knowing that tomorrow is a new day.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

To Be Or Not To Be...

As I'm sitting here, trying to get my mind to turn off so that I can fall asleep, I'm thinking about what kind of person that I want to be moving forward. I have decided that I want to be the person who takes charge of her health and well being, rather than the person who leaves things up to chance and makes poor decisions for herself. I'm so very tired of being dragged down by apathy and self-pity. Neither of those states feel comfortable to me anymore. I'm ready for some changes. I have already started implementing some new practices into my daily routine, including writing down what I am eating and drinking more water. I'm starting to exercise, even  though it is very difficult for me to do. I'm taking action on making myself a priority. I no longer want to be the fat girl sitting in the drive through parking lot stuffing French fries into her mouth and gulping down cokes. I don't want to spend all of my spare money on junk food and treats that I eat in seclusion and shame. It's time for me to be the person that God has meant for me to be.

I know that I can do this. I have lost weight before. I have taken care of myself  and felt good about it in the past. I want to be able to go to Alaska with my family next summer. So it's really not a question of whether or not I can do this, it's a question of whether or not I'm going to do this. I have to believe that God wants good for me and that He wants me to take care of myself so that I can be a blessing to others. I cannot do that if I'm just sitting around, stuffing my face full of donuts and crying. I'm lucky to have a strong support network available to me if I would just tap into that and allow others to love me. Its time tp move beyond my good intentions and put some work in on being the best me that I can be.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

At a Crossorads

It's been nearly a month since I've written anything. When I came back to this blog in April, I had wanted to commit to writing an entry a week but I haven't managed to stick to that. Maybe because I only thought that that was what I was going to do. I thought about the commitment, but had not fully, well, committed to it. Then I thought that it was too late now, because after all, I'd already missed several weeks in a row. And then it hit me. It's not too late to begin again.

I'm finding myself at a crossroad in my weight loss journey right now. I have recently gained some weight again and so I'm asking myself just how important am I? I mean, really? Am I important enough to do something about it or not? Do I care  enough about myself to want to make the changes necessary to live a healthier life? I thought that I was but I'm sure not acting like it. It's getting harder and harder to justify eating the Mary Lou donuts and Peanut Buster Parfaits. I don't get any enjoyment out of eating those things anymore but I feel compelled to eat them anyway. I have been using my addiction to food as an excuse to continue eating, rather than as a catalyst for change. I have been allowing myself to believe the myth that I don't know any better. But that is not the truth. I do know better, I just haven't been choosing better.

I am remembering the quote by Maya Angelou: "When you know better, you do better". I am particularly mindful of those last three words, "you do better". Its about taking action. I have to first make the commitment, but then move beyond that and act on it in order to be truly successful. Otherwise, nothing is going to change. I have the opportunity to go on an Alaskan cruise in June of 2018 with my whole family. At my current weight that would be extremely difficult to do. I don't want to miss out on a chance of a lifetime. That is just under a year away. I'm running out of time to "begin again" if I want to achieve my goal of being able to go on that cruise with my family.

So, what am I willing to do? Between now and next Saturday, I will write down what I am eating and share that with a friend who is willing to help to hold me accountable. I will drink 64 ounces of water every day. I will exercise 3 times. I am writing these three things down on a card that I will post in several places in my apartment to help remind me of my action plan for the week. When I do my next blog entry in a week, I will report on how I did with my goals. I am important. This is worth it. I can do it!