Excuses, Excuses...

So...I have been avoiding writing any more entries because I have been struggling more than I would care to admit to. This whole journey to a healthier me is not turning out to be as easy as I thought it would be! In fact, it's hard. Damn hard. For every step I take forward I feel like I take two steps back. Right now, if I am to be honest, I would have to say that I feel like giving up - again.

I saw my family physician on Thursday and after following up on some issues, the topic of my weight came up. I knew that it would, so this was no surprise. My doctor has a particular diet that he feels would be best for me to follow and I disagree with him. I have done some research and feel that what he is suggesting would not work well for me. When I said that, he said that he felt like I was looking for excuses not to follow this diet. That comment stung and I immediately felt defensive. I really did not know how to respond. I left there feeling like a giant failure, like someone incapable of change. When I  got home, I cried for several hours before I could calm down enough to call a friend to talk.

Now, why did my doctor's comment trigger that kind of reaction in me? Something that I have learned about myself over the past several years is that if something bothers me, there is something in that situation to take a look at. And, as much as I hate to admit this, if I am to be rigorously honest with myself, I have been looking for excuses. Not necessarily for excuses to not do the diet my doctor is recommending, but for excuses to not do anything at all since I do not know what to do. I am afraid of having another failure so I'm making excuses to "wait until tomorrow" to commit to a healthier lifestyle. I can't exercise because my knees hurt and I get short of breath. I can't compete with his or her workout. I can't drink 64 ounces of water a day because the seal on my water bottle is broken. I can't fix interesting, healthy meals because I'm not a very good cook. Blah, blah, blah.

I know that no one can do these things for me. I'm not real sure where my motivation is going to come from because I'm having a real hard time imagining anything different from the way things are now. I have a decision to make. Have I had enough? Have I had enough of having to lay down on the bed to zip my pants? Of becoming out of breath taking the trash to the dumpster? Of not being able to go to the park or the zoo with my family because I can't walk around without pain? Am I now willing to DO something differently?

At the end of my appointment, my doctor made the comment that ultimately it is my choice as to which type of diet or eating plan I choose to follow and that the important thing is that I make a choice and stick with it because my weight is adversely affecting my health. No more excuses. I can't afford them anymore. I have a paperweight on my desk that says "You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do. Do it now." Good advice, don't you think?

Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater!

I wasn't going to write an entry today because my last two weeks have not been perfect! Now, how crazy is that? I still have not been able to eliminate pop completely and I had one day where I just binged and binged and binged. I binged on healthy foods and then I gave in to temptation and went to the store and bought pure junk and proceeded to eat all of that as well. I tried to figure out what was bothering me, hoping to pinpoint just what had triggered the desire to binge so that I could avoid it at all costs in the future, but to no avail. All I know is that I made no attempts to stop the binging once it started that day. It was as if I had decided that since I had started down that path, I had to continue with the binge. There was no going back! And then I felt like CRAP afterwards, physically and emotionally.

So, does that mean that there is no hope for me? No, it does not! It simply means that I have more learning and growing to do! I am learning from others who have been on this path before me that I can stop binging and ask for help at any point along the way. Now, that may sound easy, but for any of you who have been there, you know that it is not. But I hear it can be done and so I have faith that if others have been able to do it, than so can I, as long as I don't give up along the way.

All too often, I place unreasonable expectations on myself and when I do not live up to them, I beat myself up for not being a "stronger" person, or a "healthier" person in this case. I expect perfect adherence to principles and guidelines, which cannot possibly be achieved, and then I wonder why I am so frustrated with myself for falling short. What I am failing to realize is that as long as I stick with it and don't give up on my goal of living a healthier life, I'm not really falling short in the end. I have to remember that this is not a race and that I have countless opportunities to make better choices for myself that nurture my body, my mind, and my soul.

Despite the binge, I did still lose weight. As of today, I weigh 393.1 pounds, for a total loss of 13.9 pounds! Yippee! I have been able to stay off of the scale, except for my weekly weigh-ins on Monday mornings, which is a miracle in itself. I'm really working hard on not obsessing about the numbers on the scale and instead, focusing on how I am feeling and what I am able to do. Once again, I am able to bend over and tie my shoes while sitting on the side of the bed, which I could not do six weeks ago when I was at my highest weight of 421 pounds. Progress, not perfection, and on that note, I think that I will continue on this journey, one day at a time!

Loving Myself as I Am

Well, it's been a week since I decided to do this blog about my journey to a healthier me. I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and it read 401.4 pounds, for a loss of 5.6 pounds. Yay me! Of course, I know not to expect that every week, but it was nice to see. I have gone one week with only one Coke. My first goal is to phase out pop completely. It has been challenging to do because I really like the taste of Coke but it does not really quench my thirst. I find that when I do break down and have one, I still feel thirsty and I crave sugar all the more. It's not that I don't like water. Actually, I do. It's just a matter of changing my habits. I hear that it takes something like 21 days to make something a habit so I'm going to keep plugging away on that one. It is my goal to make it through this week without a pop.

That being said, I am not going to make this journey about deprivation. I am choosing to focus on the positive side of what I am trying to do which is making healthier choices for myself. I do not want to be picked on for what I do or do not put in my mouth. News Flash: that does not help! I am aware that I have many trigger foods that I will have to work on eliminating from my diet if I am going to be free from the strong cravings that occur whenever I put those foods in my mouth. There are things that no matter how hard I try, I cannot eat just one! So, those will have to go. Step by step, I am going to replace those foods with ones that nourish my body and give my body the nutrients it needs.

In addition to making physical changes, I am making spiritual and emotional changes in my lifestyle. I have found that prayer and meditation have helped me to quit drinking and I truly believe that prayer will play a vital role in my ability to handle the changes I am trying t make in my food choices. I have faith that God will give me the strength to care for myself the way He cares for me. I have always had a difficult time loving myself. I cannot even begin to count the number if times I have pledged to start loving myself once I reached 140 pounds. Well, I do not know if I will ever get down to 140 pounds. I cannot focus on that and I can no longer emotionally afford to place such absurd conditions on whether or not I am going to love myself. I am no longer going to wait until I lose weight to love myself and do things that feel good to me. I refuse to continue to see myself as broken. I do not need to be "fixed". I just need to be the woman that God created me to be and to love the body, mind, and soul that He has blessed me with.