Monday, May 18, 2015

Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater!

I wasn't going to write an entry today because my last two weeks have not been perfect! Now, how crazy is that? I still have not been able to eliminate pop completely and I had one day where I just binged and binged and binged. I binged on healthy foods and then I gave in to temptation and went to the store and bought pure junk and proceeded to eat all of that as well. I tried to figure out what was bothering me, hoping to pinpoint just what had triggered the desire to binge so that I could avoid it at all costs in the future, but to no avail. All I know is that I made no attempts to stop the binging once it started that day. It was as if I had decided that since I had started down that path, I had to continue with the binge. There was no going back! And then I felt like CRAP afterwards, physically and emotionally.

So, does that mean that there is no hope for me? No, it does not! It simply means that I have more learning and growing to do! I am learning from others who have been on this path before me that I can stop binging and ask for help at any point along the way. Now, that may sound easy, but for any of you who have been there, you know that it is not. But I hear it can be done and so I have faith that if others have been able to do it, than so can I, as long as I don't give up along the way.

All too often, I place unreasonable expectations on myself and when I do not live up to them, I beat myself up for not being a "stronger" person, or a "healthier" person in this case. I expect perfect adherence to principles and guidelines, which cannot possibly be achieved, and then I wonder why I am so frustrated with myself for falling short. What I am failing to realize is that as long as I stick with it and don't give up on my goal of living a healthier life, I'm not really falling short in the end. I have to remember that this is not a race and that I have countless opportunities to make better choices for myself that nurture my body, my mind, and my soul.

Despite the binge, I did still lose weight. As of today, I weigh 393.1 pounds, for a total loss of 13.9 pounds! Yippee! I have been able to stay off of the scale, except for my weekly weigh-ins on Monday mornings, which is a miracle in itself. I'm really working hard on not obsessing about the numbers on the scale and instead, focusing on how I am feeling and what I am able to do. Once again, I am able to bend over and tie my shoes while sitting on the side of the bed, which I could not do six weeks ago when I was at my highest weight of 421 pounds. Progress, not perfection, and on that note, I think that I will continue on this journey, one day at a time!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Loving Myself as I Am

Well, it's been a week since I decided to do this blog about my journey to a healthier me. I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and it read 401.4 pounds, for a loss of 5.6 pounds. Yay me! Of course, I know not to expect that every week, but it was nice to see. I have gone one week with only one Coke. My first goal is to phase out pop completely. It has been challenging to do because I really like the taste of Coke but it does not really quench my thirst. I find that when I do break down and have one, I still feel thirsty and I crave sugar all the more. It's not that I don't like water. Actually, I do. It's just a matter of changing my habits. I hear that it takes something like 21 days to make something a habit so I'm going to keep plugging away on that one. It is my goal to make it through this week without a pop.

That being said, I am not going to make this journey about deprivation. I am choosing to focus on the positive side of what I am trying to do which is making healthier choices for myself. I do not want to be picked on for what I do or do not put in my mouth. News Flash: that does not help! I am aware that I have many trigger foods that I will have to work on eliminating from my diet if I am going to be free from the strong cravings that occur whenever I put those foods in my mouth. There are things that no matter how hard I try, I cannot eat just one! So, those will have to go. Step by step, I am going to replace those foods with ones that nourish my body and give my body the nutrients it needs.

In addition to making physical changes, I am making spiritual and emotional changes in my lifestyle. I have found that prayer and meditation have helped me to quit drinking and I truly believe that prayer will play a vital role in my ability to handle the changes I am trying t make in my food choices. I have faith that God will give me the strength to care for myself the way He cares for me. I have always had a difficult time loving myself. I cannot even begin to count the number if times I have pledged to start loving myself once I reached 140 pounds. Well, I do not know if I will ever get down to 140 pounds. I cannot focus on that and I can no longer emotionally afford to place such absurd conditions on whether or not I am going to love myself. I am no longer going to wait until I lose weight to love myself and do things that feel good to me. I refuse to continue to see myself as broken. I do not need to be "fixed". I just need to be the woman that God created me to be and to love the body, mind, and soul that He has blessed me with.