I am scared. I am struggling. I am feeling defeated. This past weekend, I went to a convention in Fort Wayne but I never left my hotel room. When I arrived and went to register, I discovered that I couldn't walk the distance to the registration table. I was totally winded, huffing and puffing and struggling to catch my breath. My legs were throbbing. I couldn't do it. My friends went on ahead and registered for me but it was immediately clear that I would not be able to walk the distances needed to be able to attend the convention sessions. The convention center had wheelchairs, but they were regular width wheelchairs and at 426 pounds, that would not work for me. I became painfully aware of just how deconditioned I have become. It had never occurred to me that I would have difficulty attending the conference. I was so upset over this that I ended up making myself sick and so not only was I restricted to my hotel room, I was physically ill all weekend on top of that.
Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think and to feel over the past two days. I was embarrassed that I was so out of shape. I was ashamed of how I have become. I was saddened and lonely. I felt trapped in my body. I even thought about dying. At one point in my life, I swore that if I ever reached 400 pounds, I'd kill myself. Then I reached 400 pounds. Those thoughts came back to me this weekend. I found myself thinking about the quality of my life. Right now, I'd have to say that my quality of life is poor. I do have friends and family who love me dearly, and yet I feel so very alone. I don't want my life to continue on this way. And yet, I don't want to die. But I'm afraid that that is what is happening to me. I get out of breath putting on my shoes and socks. If I take a bag of trash to the dumpster, it feels like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest. Then I start to panic, which only makes matters worse. I really thought that I was going to collapse at the convention center this weekend trying to walk to the registration table. That was a frightening feeling. That is how I feel all of the time now. I can't do this any more.
I wish that I could say that this experience this past weekend has left me motivated to take action. I pray that it will, after my emotions settle down some. Right now, I am extremely sad. I feel like giving up. It is so hard for me to see the big picture of what my life would look like if I lost the weight. Even seeing small improvements is hard for me right now. I'm scared that I don't have it in me to do the work that it will take to get the weight off. I'm afraid of the physical pain and discomfort, the blood, sweat, and tears that are going to be an inevitable part of the journey. I'm choking back tears as I'm sitting here writing this because I feel so lost. I'm hurting so deeply inside. I'm not so sure that I know what to do at this point. This is not how my life is supposed to be.
I am utterly and totally defeated now. I guess that that means there is nowhere to go but up. I have scheduled appointments at the medically supervised weight loss clinic and also with a trainer at the gym to see about designing an exercise program that would help to get me moving. I'm not looking forward to either of those appointments at this moment. I am hoping that in the next couple of days I will find some strength and courage to proceed down this path to a healthier me. I know that it's going to be hard and I don't like that. But, it is what it is and I will prevail. Tonight, I'm going to curl up with my kitties and cry myself to sleep, knowing that tomorrow is a new day.