It Still Hurts

It's after 10:00 p.m. and I'm getting pretty tired but I wanted to write this while it was still fresh in my mind. I don't really know how to start. There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind. So, I guess I'll just start writing and hope that at some point it will make sense.

This afternoon, after visiting my mom, I went to Wal Mart to pick up a few groceries. For about the past six months, I have been using the motorized carts to do my shopping. Last September, I was at my highest weight ever, weighing 437 pounds. I have become involved in a couple of programs to help me address this and become a healthier person. As of today, my weight is down to 383 pounds. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. Besides my weight, I have several other health problems that impact my mobility. As a result of a car accident back in 1997, I have a lot of metal in my right foot and since that injury, experience tremendous  pain in my foot and ankle with every single step I take. I also have severe osteoarthritis in my knees. There is no cartilage at all left in my left knee. Over the years, NSAID pain relievers and cortisone injections have helped with the knee pain, but they no longer provide even minimal relief. I am still too heavy for knee replacement surgery and at this time there aren't really any other options. Throw in a diminished lung capacity, due in large part to my asthma, and a heart arrhythmia, and well, it all makes things a bit harder for me to do many things I once took for granted.

It has taken some getting used to on my part to adjust to limitations in my mobility. There are simply some things that I am not able to do at this time, and shopping is one of them. I am often uncomfortable and self-conscious when I use the motorized carts. I see older adults pushing grocery carts through the store and find myself thinking that if they can do it, then I should be able to do it. I see other morbidly obese customers pushing carts and chastise myself for not "trying harder" and I hear that overly critical voice inside my head saying that I'm being too lazy. All of my difficulties are my own fault anyway, so I should just suck it up and push the damn cart! I start to imagine what others must be thinking of me when I scoot past them, which makes me forget why I am in the store in the first place. I practice my defense for every item in my cart because God forbid I have anything in it that I "shouldn't" have. And I pray that the unthinkable doesn't happen. I pray that the cart doesn't lose it's charge while I am still shopping, leaving me stranded.

Well, today, it happened. I was finished with my shopping and was heading to the checkout lane when the cart ran out of juice. There I was, stuck in the middle of the aisle, completely blocking the way of people coming from both directions. Shit. So, I flagged down a store employee and told him that the cart had died and asked if there was someone who could help me by bringing me another cart and get the one I was using out of the middle of the aisle so that the other shoppers could get through. The guy looked at me and said that he was stocking shelves and that it wasn't his job to do that. Um, okay. Then he turned around and walked away. So, still stuck, I flagged down a second employee who informed me that he was on his lunch break before I even got my plea for help out of my mouth. When I heard that, I apologized and asked if he could ask someone else to help me but he had already turned away from me and started to walk away. My old way of thinking immediately pounced on me and I felt guilty and ashamed. I found myself thinking that all of this was my fault. My fault for being too fat. My fault for playing the catcher's position in softball for years, which everyone knows is bad for your knees. My fault for having asthma. My fault for trying to do my grocery shopping in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, and worse yet, on a holiday weekend when the store was so busy. My fault for not more closely watching the battery charge on the cart. My fault for being an inconvenience.

Thankfully, another customer had been there and witnessed what had happened and heard what the two employees had said to me. She went looking for another employee to help me, and made it clear that I had been treated disrespectfully and promptly dismissed by the others. This worker went and brought another cart to me and helped me to transfer my groceries to the other cart. I sheepishly thanked him, still feeling like I needed to justify myself or explain why I was worthy of his time and assistance. I then proceeded to the checkout, paid for my groceries, and headed out to my car. And then I started to cry. I still couldn't shake the feeling that I had deserved to be treated that way. And then I was angry - not at the workers, but at MYSELF! How could I have let what was a ten minute long unpleasant experience totally wipe out all of the progress I've made over the past six months to take care of myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually?   I found myself wondering if I would ever learn to love myself enough to not feel like I owe the world an apology for living. After I got home and had an opportunity to collect myself, I called the store and asked to speak to a manager. She apologized and told me that she would address the issue. And here I am, eight hours later, still trying to figure out how I'm going to get my groceries from now on because the fear of that happening again seems insurmountable. I shouldn't have to feel that way. No one deserves to be brushed aside. I have to remember that how I was treated this afternoon is a reflection on two insensitive individuals and not on me. But, it still hurts.