Monday, April 27, 2015

If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

So, here I am, sitting down to start on a new blogging adventure. I have decided to chronicle my weight loss journey on a blog. Why in the world would I want to do this? Afterall, my struggle with weight is a very personal matter and is a sensitive, touchy subject. However, I am going to put my thoughts and experiences out there for others. My reasons for doing so are threefold. First of all, my problems with weight and compulsive overeating are visible, whether I want to admit to that or not. Anyone who looks at me can already see that I have a problem, so it does me no good to continue to deny that I do indeed struggle with a food addiction. Secondly, I cannot change something that I don't acknowledge and I am ready to make some changes for the better. Lastly, I have decided that this is something that I cannot tackle alone. By making my journey available for friends and family to read, I am inviting people to help hold me accountable and to be there walking alongside of me as I work to change my life for the better. It will take me out of isolation and allow myself to be loved by others as I move forward on this path.

I don't want to focus on the "numbers". I will not be weighing and measuring myself obsessively, which will be a change in and of itself. I'm used to weighing myself several times a day so that I can either reward myself for being "good" or punish myself for being "bad". Either way, I am eating for reasons other than hunger. That being said, I still need to know where I am starting from and have a way to mark my progress along the way. I am going to commit to weighing and measuring myself only once a week. I will allow the way my clothes fit and feel to be my true measuring stick of progress.

Today, I will start out by acknowledging that yes, I am fat. I'm using that word because it is accurate and by using it in a non judgemental way to simply state a fact, I am taking the power of that word to hurt my feelings away. It used to be that that was the worst thing that I thought anyone could ever call me but I do not feel that way any longer. It simply is what it is.

Today, I weigh 407 pounds and wear a size 30 in jeans. Period. I am relieved that I am not still at my highest weight. I am excited about the opportunities to make myself healthier physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I guess in this case, there is nowhere to go but down! I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have any expectations about what I want  to happen. I expect to lose weight. I expect to get stronger. I expect my joint pain to decrease. But I don't expect these things to happen overnight or without work and effort on my part. It is my goal to strive for loving and accepting myself along the way, not waiting until I lose "X" number of pounds or get into a size "Y". It is time for me to start loving myself the way I love and treat others. I am fat, but I am not unlovable. I am a woman deserving of love and respect and I refuse to continue to accept anything less.