I was at the hospital a little over a month ago for increased swelling and fluid retention in my legs. When they weighed me, I was 478 pounds. 478 pounds! Oh my God! That is my highest all time weight. I was devastated. I had not realized that I had gained an additional 50 pounds since my nephew's graduation open house last June. I had thought that I was at my "rock bottom" with regards to weight gain last year but apparently that was not true. How could I continue to allow myself to gain weight? What the hell is wrong with me? I thought that I was unhappy then. Where does that leave me now? And am I really ready ro finally commit to doing something about my weight or am I just going to curl up into a ball and die?
I've been talking about this a lot with my therapist and my case manager, trying to decide where to go from here. I am so afraid to restart my weight loss efforts because I know that I always give up. For me it's more than just eating. I am addicted to food and to unhealthy eating behaviors. Even after I've finished my meal, I'm already thinking about what I get to eat next. When I'm watching tv and a commercial comes on for Burger King, I think, yeah, I need a Whopper. And then an ad for Little Caesars comes on after that and I find myself wanting a pizza. It seems like every single food commercial triggers food cravings for me. When I go to put in my online grocery order from Walmart, I always put food in my cart that I know I am not supposed to have. Then I have to go back and delete those items from my cart before I click on "checkout". I find myself going back and forth with that so many times before I can successfully place my order. It's insane. The way I act around food is insane!
There are so many things that I cannot do right now because of my weight. My size is impacting my ability to bathe and dress myself. I cannot walk out to my mailbox to check my mail. I cannot scoop my cats' litter boxes or reach their food bowls and water fountain on the floor to feed them by myself. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have assistance from home health aides six days per week. I cannot safely get in and out of my van anymore, so I rely on a wheelchair transportation service to get me to appointments. Other than to the doctor, I am no longer able to leave my home. I could not go over to my brother's house this year for Easter because there was no way to get me there. I have not seen family or friends in over a year now. I'm not even sure if I still have friends anymore. I've been unable to go to NAMI to participate in the numerous volunteer activities that I used to be involved in in over 18 months now. I'm feeling very isolated and alone. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I won't be able to continue on this way much longer.
Right now, I am standing at a fork in the road. I can go to my right and continue on the way I have been, eating whatever I want, stuffing my emotions, and slowly killing myself with excess food. Or, I can go to my left, off the beaten path for me, and do something about my eating habits and my unhealthy obsessive and compulsive food behaviors. The choice is mine to make. And although I am the one who has to make this choice, I do not have to walk this journey alone. I have "tried" many times over the years to do this on my own. I have not been brutally honest with myself, my therapist, my case manager, and a close friend who knows my journey because I've been ashamed and embarrassed. But if I'm not honest, I cannot hope to heal. I have already reached out and restarted the medically supervised weight loss program through my doctor's office and will have the opportunity to meet with the nurse practitioner face to face once a month. I will continue to address my emotional eating with my therapist and case manager and work on developing healthier coping strategies so that I won't feel the need to turn to food for comfort. I will seek out help from a local support group and attend meetings on Zoom until I am able to once again attend in person and I will reach out to members of that group for support and encouragement and guidance as I walk this new path. I'm going to go to my streaming services on my tv and select the ad free option to reduce the constant bombardment of food commercials, even though that costs a little more per month. I'm not going to put a price tag on my sanity anymore when there is no reason to tempt myself. And I will stop watching all of the cooking shows on Food network, too. I will track and record what I am eating and drinking every day. Everything that goes into my mouth will be written down, no exceptions! And I will commit to journaling and blogging to help me process my feelings, hold me accountable, and keep me focused on my journey. I will continue to challenge myself and increase my physical activity throughout the day, doing the exercises given to me by my physical and occupational therapists.
This doesn't have to be how my story ends. Even though I'm 55 years old, it's not too late for me. I have more life to live. I want more life to live. I AM going to make some changes! The time is now!
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