It is upon me again - the witching hour. I have come to dread this time of day. Eight p.m. rolls around and all I want to do is EAT! I'm never "hungry" at 8:00. I'm not always even particularly bored either. But my mind turns to food and it is all that I think about. I wonder what I have in the kitchen. I grumble because I didn't buy any of the "good stuff" like chocolate and ice cream to binge on. I start jonesing for a Coke. As I sit there obsessing, my mouth starts to water and I begin to get agitated. Then I start arguing with myself about whether or not I should get in my car and head out to McDonald's or Dairy Queen for a quick fix. I find it very hard to break free from that obsession without giving in.
I'm struggling to fight the battle right now. I have made the decision to pursue bariatric surgery and am now participating in a medically supervised weight loss program. I have also begun cardiac rehab for 45 minutes, three days a week. I'm still early on in this process so the urges to eat compulsively and the cravings for the carbs and sugars are still strong. I sometimes have to limit my TV viewing at night so that I'm not bombarded with commercials from Taco Bell encouraging me to grab my fourth meal of the day. I've been trying to redirect my thinking and focus through reading literature that promotes recovery from compulsive overeating and journaling my thoughts and feelings as they come up. I am discovering that I am full of anger, an emotion that I have almost always denied feeling. As I work at trying to stave off the food obsessions, my anger comes bubbling to the surface and I become incredibly uncomfortable, almost to the point of setting off a panic attack. I am frustrated with myself for allowing the food to have so much power over me. Rather than being something to nourish my body, it is a giant monster devouring my soul.
Thankfully, I have a good therapist and am working on building my support system to help guide me through these tumultuous waters. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid of making some changes with regards to my relationship with food. Even though I no longer get that sense of immediate gratification that comes from eating a candy bar, it is still mentally my "go-to" method to deal with all life circumstances. It is familiar and predictable. I know what happens when I eat; there are no surprises. When I resist the urge to eat, any of a number of things could happen and the uncertainty of that is unsettling to me. Am I willing to ride out the dis-ease? Right now I feel like I'm white knuckling it through the witching hour. This will get better, right? Staying the same is hard. Making changes is hard. It is up to me to choose my hard.
It does get better. I'm 35 lbs. smaller than I was a year ago. A view that has helped me is to think strategically - it took me a long time to get big, it's going to take me a long time to get back to my goal weight.
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave. I like reading your posts, because your spot on, and your words help me see my own struggles with food from a new angle.
Cutting back on sugar is a bitch, but after a while it stops being enticing. I find myself at the grocery checkout and my brain says "habit is buy candy bar," and my body says "fuck no!" It's kind of weird watching myself as the brain tells the hand to grab the candy and the hand refuses to budge.
It's been a long road, letting go of the bad days, and patting myself in the back for the good days, but YES, it does get easier :)
You can do this, Kris. Stay with it and it will get better...you are stronger than you know. We were all taught to medicate with food from childhood, but we can have a different lifestyle if we chose. I believe in you.
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